Saturday, October 31, 2009

shitty halloween

I've been at work since 1 o'clock. It has been a myriad of assholes since I arrived. I've had one guy pissed because his bill wasn't exactly the same as what he printed from online. I got another guy about to curse me out because his credit card wouldn't go through but he had a deposit slip from his bank so that should have made everything all right. My most recent customer came in looking for an exchange on a car that was from Florida which I REALLY didn't have. I ended up giving him one of our one-ways. I don't know if I am gonna get in trouble. I also got kind of rude with one of our customer service representatives. The problem is I don't know the protocol. I had one Avis customer, one Budget customer, and a rude csr on the phone. People were getting impatient. I'm only one person.

Please, let the rest of this night go by smoothly. Seriously, I am ready to tear my fucking hair out. I'm on the verge of leaving and not coming back which would be a shame because this is a sweet job when it's not driving me nuts. I've never had this much difficulty with a job. I'm not one to run away though.

I am going to let it go. I am going to be happy. I was when I first came in to work. Forget those people. I just hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. I work with another girl most days, Amanda; she's been rude to people on numerous occasions and still has her job. Please let it all work out. Most of the time I am an alarmist. Things are never are as awful as I think they are.

Today has left me feeling emotionally exhausted. I can't wait to go home and have a stiff drink. Everything will be better tomorrow. One can only hope.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


I've started binging again. I don't like not being able to keep it together. What the fuck are the point of weaknesses? The cracks in the facade. Do they really help anybody? I'm a bit irritable at the prospect of three days with no booze OR cigarettes. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Not a week ago I was doing my cleanse and starting to feel better. I'd been off booze for almost 3 weeks and just had to quit smoking at the same time. Why did I think that was a great idea?

I had a shit day today. Just when you think you are starting to get a handle on your new job. Bam! The training provided was shitty. I didn't get taught about mini-leases. "Sorry, sir, I'm new here but I'm trying my best". It's never enough. Expectations are gonna make me go crazy. I'm not the kind of girl that cries at work. I've been tempted many times though. It's hard figuring out the protocol when things are thrown at you. Please tell me why grown ass people complained about walking out into the rain to retrieve their rental car?

Just as soon as I get home at about a quarter afer midnight, the cat(which I hate w/ a fiery passion) is meowing at the door waiting to be fed. I open the door and Ichigo hops back and forth eager to do his business. I rush to feed the cat which is now squaring off with Ichigo, her hackles raised. I quickly clip Ichigo's leash on and steer him outside. He takes FOREVER to do his business b/c it's raining. He pulls me back to the house, races up to our bedroom, and tracks mud all over the side of my bed. Guess what? I'm stuck sleeping in it because wonder of wonders, my fiance is asleep.

At least, I got to finish watching The Ugly Truth. It wasn't bad. It was actually pretty witty. The truth in it was that there are a lot of neurotic women and I'm one of them. I'm proud to admit it. Hell, it's probably the quirks that keep me and Fred together. Don't get me wrong. Fred has them too. The point is we make fun each other's quirks and laugh about it. It brings us closer as a couple.

I think I will end this on a high note. Let the rain bring me some much need blissful sleep.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Letter for the catalyst

Dear Ben,

I still remember those days. We wrote constantly and feverently. I thought you could have been the One. I was young and you understood much about the world that I couldn't yet fathom. I thought so much of you until that day that you broke my heart. How the superficial could matter so much to you yet we had shared parts of our souls with each other. I gave you my trust and since then I haven't been able to share myself completely with anyone else. I know I share fault in this but it was left unresolved. It ended abruptly and I regret it. I should have seen you for what you were. You'll never have a hold on me again. I'm taking my trust back and reclaiming myself.

Never yours truly,

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Not long ago, I had the loudest and rudest customer. Technically he wasn't a customer, at least not from Avis. He actually had a reservation at Alamo. He was pissed about not getting the car he reserved and threatened to involve the police. At that moment, I was a lil bit scared. I was thinking "Should I call Mike first or Airport security?". Luckily, one of the washbay/service guys had just came around to my kiosk. The team lead, Ben, stood beside me the entire time since I was scared. I need to get him a card or something. That was the sweetest gesture. He should been off the clock and at home. Ben didn't have to do that.

Well, then the guy realizes the name I have is not his name. He finally looks down at his printout and see that his reservation is not with us. So then he is apologizing profusely but only after being completely disrespectful to everyone including my manager, Mike. I wasn't having any of it. The guy was seriously psycho. Poor Joe, the rental agent at Alamo, said to me he was bout to seriously hurt the man if he did not remove himself from the premises. I say that the man's name should be put in some databank. This is a small airport so enforcing that sort of thing wouldn't be hard. I should have just called security. By doing that, he would have been told not to come back.

Anyhow, I was a big to-do. I'm just thankful that I'm off tomorrow. I can chill out, do some laundry, and watch some movies. Today was emotionally draining. Usually, I'm not that sensitive but it had started out as a shitty day. I had seen that my neighbor's dog had gotten run over and nobody has done anything about the body. It was just lying on the pavemnt with blood tricking down just waiting to get run over again. It upset me to say the least. What if that had been Ichigo? It's been haunting me all day.

I'm done ranting.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

battle lost

I'm glad I didn't build my blog around my sobriety. Sobriety lasted all of about 3 days. It's funny because in all other aspects of my life I am dependable and stubborn. For some reason, I can't stick to a quit. I know this sounds ludicrous but if the world doesn't end on December 21, 2012, I will revisit the issue. I put alot in stock towards the Mayan caledar. I guess me and my fiance would be considered alarmists and conspiracy theorists. I honestly don't think it is that farfetched. There is a movie coming out about it too. It will become more widespread.

I honestly think smoking and drinking are components of me. It's somewhat a part of my identity. I'm a hard working, hard partying irish girl. I think I can live with that.

It's a slow day at the airport. I'm happy it's a beautiful day and I can appreciate it with all the windows here. Life doesn't get much better than this. A job I don't mind, a cute pug at home, and a wonderful fiance that loves me. Not to mention, a loving, supportive family far, but not too far away. I guess the only thing I really need to work on is making some friends. I probably just need to get out more and socialize somewhere other than twitter.

Monday, October 19, 2009

losing it

Fred, my fiance, is being a brat about my smoking cessation. Of course, it came to that Day 3 Ultimatum. "I don't want to be around a smoker. I'm on a cleanse. It would be redundant for me to stick around". It is MY perogative. Yes, for the time being, it makes him a leper. When is he gonna wake up and realize smoking is such a waste?!?! A waste of time, money, and perfectly good lungs.

I know it makes me come off a bit snooty. Alright I'm a snob. But that is the mindset I need right now to keep me going. This is important to me. Believe me, I would love a martini and a pack of Marlboro Menthol Smooth 100's. I can't keep killing myself to keep myself sane or to make Fred happy.

I don't know what to do. I don't have much support. I've tried joining a website that has message boards with motivations to stay quit. Perfect strangers helping me probably isn't the best option.

Although I could use a little pep talk right now.

Still searching

I'm still deciding on what topic to mold my blog around. I don't want to make this blog strictly about my sobriety. It was a thought. It would get boring after awhile.

I should probably mention I just recently tackled my alcohol abuse. This week I've quit smoking. I think it will be doable. There will never be a perfect time. Might as well work on them both. I'm developing new coping skills.

Meanwhile, this whole body cleanse thing is working albeit probably a little to well.

This is my first full day without a cigarette. I can do this. I can overcome temptation. I was looking for motivational quotes earlier. I need conditioning if I am going to make it. One day at a time. In both endeavors.

Unfortunately, exhaustion is taking over. Nite!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Brand New

So I'm quitting smoking and my quit date was set for tomorrow. I ran out of cigarettes earlier today. I've started my GNC Whole Body Cleanse. My body has been out of whack for a long time. I'd like to feel normal for once. I don't think for one second that I ever had some kind of homeostasis. Hopefully, I can find one. Hell, I better find one- it cost me enough.

I've been looking for online support mostly. I have exactly one friend supporting me. I'm sure my family is behind me 100 %; I just don't talk to them that much. It's a shame but I work nights mostly and that is the only appropriate time to call them.

I'm doing alright cravings-wise. I'm drinking a lot of water. Monday I gotta buy some groceries. I hope to get some healthy food so my cleanse isn't in vain. I don't really understand the importance of the food being organic though. Organic is expensive and frankly, I don't have that luxury. The body cleanse was my splurge. It was a toss up between some mid-level vodka and the body cleanse. For once, I actually chose the healthy option. Scary-I am actually thinking like an adult and considering a future past 2012.

Sorry, I still say the world will end in December 21, 2012 or possibly, it will be a new start. The state of affairs will get worse before they get better. Either way, I wanna be prepared. And I'm open to people's interpretations. Drop me a line.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

at work

People are busy always going somewhere. I wish I lived in some other country like Spain. People there have a different pace. Lunch can take as long as you like. The promise of a siesta in the late afternoon. The spanish sunset twists and glimmers in the fading light. An empty hammock sways thoughtfully in the breeze and frames a faint shoreline.

I've always wished for just one lazy day. Even my off days are filled with a bevy of chores to be done. I guess I choose to blog so that I could make a single moment last. I envision my words suspended somewhere deep in cyberspace.

It is time I really worked on myself. Maybe this time spent blogging could actually be therapuetic. I've always loved writing. The time is nigh to put it to good use.

I used to write poems as a teenager. I had my heart broken by my first boyfriend. I had met him on the internet. I look back wondering if it really happened or whether it was all in my head. My angst was imagined. I didn't understand back then that life is fleeting. Circumastances change. There is life after high school.

My short stories were amazing according to my English teacher at the time. She really pushed me to do great. I wrote an ironic short story called Spork and Foon. I recreated the tale of Sleeping Beauty only more gothic and mysterious.

I miss being able to write with a consuming passion; the words just spilling out of me in rapid succession. Even right now, it is a little stilted. I'm struggling to find the right words.

funny enough

I'm trying to figure out an angle that will give me an edge. Something that sets me apart from all the other bloggers. I've read Diary of a Sex Addict based on a blog which I've also read. I've read that blog from which stemmed the book and movie "Julie & Julia". Unfortunately, I've read hardly any other blogs. What will make me unique? If there is such a thing? It almost seems like a hopeless feat.

I like to think that my interest in unknown & bootleg anime plus my love of underground hip-hop sets me apart. I have feral obsessions of all things Ryan Leslie, True Blood, and as of recently, Lost. Most of my hobbies involve getting lost in a storyline rich with complex characters. Admittedly, I read voraciously. I've read and re-read many books. My current job doesn't sustain my interests very well. I've only just recently spread myself thin getting a new laptop that picks up one of my neighbor's wifi. Luckily, the internet brings much to my fingertips.

I should probably say a little about me other than my interests. I don't really want to though. At least, not now. I'm still figuring out the direction of this blog. It's completely new to me. I do know I don't aspire to be famous. I just want a little piece of me out there in the world floating between the synapses of peoples' computers.