So I found my niche

Endomondo Running Workout: was out running 1.36 miles in 27m:22s using Endomondo.

I had only been running a mile in that time. Considering that I am a couch potato, that is pretty effing good. It was a goal of mine to hit 1.25 miles in 30 minutes before the new year. Lucky for me, I started 2 weeks ago so it is NOT a New Year's resolution. I HATE people who make resolutions . Resolutions NEVER last.

We had Fred's friends over for New Year's Eve. We listened to music, gossiped, told stories, and enjoyed way too much beer/wine/malt beverages and finger food. All in all, it was awesome. We hugged and wished each other a happy new year. Undoubtedly, everyone was wishing for a much better year than the previous. At least, I know I was. It's been a rough year with quitting smoking and drinking. I'm facing my depression head on...and winning! I've felt sooo much better since I've started running. I'm running 3 days a week with weight lifting and yoga in between. I've never felt more alive. I'm more focused at work. I'm smiling more and just letting my freak flag fly. Today's an off day and I am just resting up my runner's knee. Never fun stuff. Although, I always get a chuckle when I tell people that I got a "hitch in my giddy-up". I'll be back up and running tomorrow though. No rest for the wicked. I still have miles to go.

new developments

I have gotten control of my drinking. I don't drink every night. Just once in awhile. I am trying to enjoy what little I have left of my summer. I start back at community college on August 23rd. This girl that works first shift at my job is leaving. I am hoping and praying that I will get promoted. It's been almost a year now and I'm up for a raise as well.

Just went outside for a smoke break. I found out that my boss doesn't think I really want to be in customer service anymore which I have told just about everybody, so no surprise there. I just don't like the second shift and being at the mercy of the airlines. It would allow me to have nights and weekends to spend time w/ my fiance which has been a source of strain for some months now. I do want this position. My coworker told me to call him and let him know.
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The next day...

So I talked to my boss and I got it. I was excited for about half an hour before I came down. I came into work to find out that the guy that works second shift talks shit about the girl I am replacing. A buddy of mine told me this and to watch out. No worries. I will set him straight before the shift switch.

Now I'm wondering if I can even do school this fall. I don't know if I will be working days or nights by August 23rd. Even my boss doesn't know when he's gonna get some people in here. I doubt he could give me an exact date. I might just have to wait until next semester to start. Oh well.

day two

I'm taking my sobriety seriously this time. I'm gonna be 25 in 13 days. It's time to start acting like an responsible adult. There are plenty other things that I take immense pleasure in besides drinking...cuddling, eating, latchwork, playing and listening to music (I really want to get a guitar), writing, blogging, etc. The one person I wish I could talk to about this wouldn't understand. My fiance, Fred, drinks too much as well. He is very much dependent and equally as much, in denial. He has to hit his rock bottom at some point though. This has to be independent of Fred. I am seeking online support. I work 2nd shift so I can't make any of the AA meetings in my area. If I could, it would be only on my days off. Somehow I don't think it works like that. If anyone knows a good website or community, let me know.

Yesterday, I slept okay and woke up feeling somewhat energized. Today I have a headache that won't go away and just feel sluggish. Fred couldn't get to sleep last night as well. He was tossing and turning, driving me nuts.

Omg, I just had a complete asshole. He was a preferred. I guess he thinks his shit don't stink. I had told him that I couldn't upgrade him. We are extremely shorthanded right now. Then he comes back and says he can't find the car. I did explain to him clearly and concisely where exactly it was before he left the first time. He took a business card and said he wanted to speak to my manager. Oooh, I'm really scared. NOT! Just irritated cuz it's the first 72 hours which are said to be the most difficult. I probably do need anger management though. There is just a lot of shit that I'm mad about. I suppress; I don't express. Simple enough. I guess I have to work on expressing it safely.

pretty drunk

Yeah, this is something I do on a regular basis. I'm floundering. I had planned on blogging and drinking a caffeine free Dr Pepper b4 bed. I was gonna work on my coping skills. I was gonna stay straight. It's not that easy. Damn.

Sobriety isn't easy. No matter how many promises you make to yourself, you always break them. It just makes everything in your life that much real. You work your ass off and for what? Only to be taken advantage of. I hate the world. Where is the karma? I've treated people w/ respect only to be disrespected. I just don't understand. Is there absolutely no equality?

Fred and I were doing good. I say one thing about just wanting to go to sleep and suddenly, sex is obsolete. Wtf?! I was exhausted this one night and suddenly, it's a precedent for every night. He wants to throw it in my face every chance he gets. I know this is a TMI but fuck it. It's a blog, right? I'm supposed to share my feelings. I don't know what to do. I just don't understand how he operates most of the time. He's not like other males. I was able to manipulate most of the men I knew before him. It's sad but true. I just can't figure him out. I would like to get to the root of this. Ugh, I'm sorry but I am sexually frustrated and a vibrator won't see me through.

If you don't like my honesty, don't fucking read my blog. I am human. I do have needs. I came close to cheating once. Fred found out before it happened. It wasn't his fault. It was mine. I felt so insignificant and my self-esteem was nonexistent. I have moved on and have come to love myself just as I am. It certainly wasn't easy but I found a way.

I would go on but I've got to go to sleep. Nite bloggers!

ready for change

My fiance and I finally got our own apartment. I just so happens to be next door of where we are living now. Our neighbor jumped his lease and took off. It's exciting but also stressful. It just so happens that I need a little extra money to make sure I meet all my new bills. I'm trying with all my heart to find some online work. Something I can do while I am at my full-time job. It's not easy. I'm looking at freelance writing but a lot of the sites want the person to have a Bachelors or a PhD. Content writing might be the way. Maybe I can create some original articles.

My real job is going alright. It's January so traffic through Avis is a steady trickle. It's a blessing after all the craziness of the holidays. Still, I am looking at other jobs to replace this one. I just can't do second shift anymore. My brain is fried and I'm sleeping like shit. Plus, I'm constantly getting complaints which is due to my lack of training. It's complete bullshit but whatever. One day I will find a 9-5 job w/ solid training and a salary. At least, I hope so. Everyday I'm scouring the employment sites like Indeed, Craigslist, and the Virginia Employment Commission. I am dedicated to getting out of this crap job. It's just not worth it for the amount I get paid.

My fiance and I are doing great. I think we've finally found a rhythm. We haven't fought in months. Our crazy pug, Ichigo, is constantly driving me nuts w/ his excessive chewing and barking. He is probably my only source of stress at home. It might be too late to do anything about it though. I mean, he just turned 3 years old. Experts say train them early. At the time, I was too busy w/ school and work to devote any energy to training him. My fiance could have tried though. Maybe I should just learn to let it go.

I'm going to go talk to Dale. I need to walk around. My feet are freezing even though I have the space heater on. Laters!

burnout

Starting to see signs of it. Luckily, for the holiday season, my manager has decided to give me two days off in a row. With that in mind, hopefully it will diminish. It's been all the late night flights that wear me out. I not unhappy tho. I am looking at other jobs, keeping my options open. I would really like a 9-5 job and be able to enjoy my evenings w/ my honey. Despite the economy, I am hopeful.

Things with my fiance are flowing. It ebbed a bit when I asked him to respect my property earlier. I just know he wants a laptop tho. He wants a new phone too. Unfortunately, he won't own up to it. He doesn't have that many bills and could reasonably swing one, if not both.

I've been cooking a good bit. I think in cooking I've found my true talent. I've made steak, bbq beef tips, and I'm making gumbo tomorrow. This is no Julie/Julia project. I enjoy cooking w/out having to create deadlines. For Christmas, I am asking for some kitchen knives.

There is a church choir at the airport for the holiday season. They sound beautiful. I would love to join them. I will settle for singing at my kiosk, humming the tune if I do not know the lyrics. My fiance and I do not celebrate Christmas but I am no Scrooge. I'm soft when it comes to holiday music. This actually made my night.

backwards

I cut myself tonight. I mutilated my ankle. The one place my fiance doesn't see. What is wrong with me? I thought I was through with that phase of my life. I started when I was 14. The angst was bullshit or so I thought. I don't know what to do anymore. I finally have a good job. My relationship has kinda gone south. We don't see each other anymore. I'm frustrated. I'm also a control freak. It's understandable but it's not acceptable.

The trigger I guess was my dog. I took him outside and he refused to do his business. I was freezing my ass of and getting impatient. I started to push him up the hill so he'd get the hint. Apparently, subtlety is lost on dogs. He just would not go so I dragged him back inside and wagged my finger at him, showing him my disapproval. My fiance is gonna have to take him out before he leaves for work. Ichigo has just become soo stubborn. He's 2 years old so I guess he's going through his teenage years. Still, it bothered me.

I gotta go to this photo shoot tomorrow. My friend, Amanda, wants to be a model. It's her first time with this photographer. I said I cared about her safety and wanted to be there. We aren't exactly besties but I don't want to see anything happen to her. It should be interesting. I love photography but I'm no way near a professional. I'd like to see how it's done.

I should probably go to bed now since I gotta get up early for this photo shoot. Goodnight bloggers!