Thursday, January 21, 2010

pretty drunk

Yeah, this is something I do on a regular basis. I'm floundering. I had planned on blogging and drinking a caffeine free Dr Pepper b4 bed. I was gonna work on my coping skills. I was gonna stay straight. It's not that easy. Damn.

Sobriety isn't easy. No matter how many promises you make to yourself, you always break them. It just makes everything in your life that much real. You work your ass off and for what? Only to be taken advantage of. I hate the world. Where is the karma? I've treated people w/ respect only to be disrespected. I just don't understand. Is there absolutely no equality?

Fred and I were doing good. I say one thing about just wanting to go to sleep and suddenly, sex is obsolete. Wtf?! I was exhausted this one night and suddenly, it's a precedent for every night. He wants to throw it in my face every chance he gets. I know this is a TMI but fuck it. It's a blog, right? I'm supposed to share my feelings. I don't know what to do. I just don't understand how he operates most of the time. He's not like other males. I was able to manipulate most of the men I knew before him. It's sad but true. I just can't figure him out. I would like to get to the root of this. Ugh, I'm sorry but I am sexually frustrated and a vibrator won't see me through.

If you don't like my honesty, don't fucking read my blog. I am human. I do have needs. I came close to cheating once. Fred found out before it happened. It wasn't his fault. It was mine. I felt so insignificant and my self-esteem was nonexistent. I have moved on and have come to love myself just as I am. It certainly wasn't easy but I found a way.

I would go on but I've got to go to sleep. Nite bloggers!

Friday, January 15, 2010

ready for change

My fiance and I finally got our own apartment. I just so happens to be next door of where we are living now. Our neighbor jumped his lease and took off. It's exciting but also stressful. It just so happens that I need a little extra money to make sure I meet all my new bills. I'm trying with all my heart to find some online work. Something I can do while I am at my full-time job. It's not easy. I'm looking at freelance writing but a lot of the sites want the person to have a Bachelors or a PhD. Content writing might be the way. Maybe I can create some original articles.

My real job is going alright. It's January so traffic through Avis is a steady trickle. It's a blessing after all the craziness of the holidays. Still, I am looking at other jobs to replace this one. I just can't do second shift anymore. My brain is fried and I'm sleeping like shit. Plus, I'm constantly getting complaints which is due to my lack of training. It's complete bullshit but whatever. One day I will find a 9-5 job w/ solid training and a salary. At least, I hope so. Everyday I'm scouring the employment sites like Indeed, Craigslist, and the Virginia Employment Commission. I am dedicated to getting out of this crap job. It's just not worth it for the amount I get paid.

My fiance and I are doing great. I think we've finally found a rhythm. We haven't fought in months. Our crazy pug, Ichigo, is constantly driving me nuts w/ his excessive chewing and barking. He is probably my only source of stress at home. It might be too late to do anything about it though. I mean, he just turned 3 years old. Experts say train them early. At the time, I was too busy w/ school and work to devote any energy to training him. My fiance could have tried though. Maybe I should just learn to let it go.

I'm going to go talk to Dale. I need to walk around. My feet are freezing even though I have the space heater on. Laters!