Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Starting to see signs of it. Luckily, for the holiday season, my manager has decided to give me two days off in a row. With that in mind, hopefully it will diminish. It's been all the late night flights that wear me out. I not unhappy tho. I am looking at other jobs, keeping my options open. I would really like a 9-5 job and be able to enjoy my evenings w/ my honey. Despite the economy, I am hopeful.

Things with my fiance are flowing. It ebbed a bit when I asked him to respect my property earlier. I just know he wants a laptop tho. He wants a new phone too. Unfortunately, he won't own up to it. He doesn't have that many bills and could reasonably swing one, if not both.

I've been cooking a good bit. I think in cooking I've found my true talent. I've made steak, bbq beef tips, and I'm making gumbo tomorrow. This is no Julie/Julia project. I enjoy cooking w/out having to create deadlines. For Christmas, I am asking for some kitchen knives.

There is a church choir at the airport for the holiday season. They sound beautiful. I would love to join them. I will settle for singing at my kiosk, humming the tune if I do not know the lyrics. My fiance and I do not celebrate Christmas but I am no Scrooge. I'm soft when it comes to holiday music. This actually made my night.

Monday, November 16, 2009


I cut myself tonight. I mutilated my ankle. The one place my fiance doesn't see. What is wrong with me? I thought I was through with that phase of my life. I started when I was 14. The angst was bullshit or so I thought. I don't know what to do anymore. I finally have a good job. My relationship has kinda gone south. We don't see each other anymore. I'm frustrated. I'm also a control freak. It's understandable but it's not acceptable.

The trigger I guess was my dog. I took him outside and he refused to do his business. I was freezing my ass of and getting impatient. I started to push him up the hill so he'd get the hint. Apparently, subtlety is lost on dogs. He just would not go so I dragged him back inside and wagged my finger at him, showing him my disapproval. My fiance is gonna have to take him out before he leaves for work. Ichigo has just become soo stubborn. He's 2 years old so I guess he's going through his teenage years. Still, it bothered me.

I gotta go to this photo shoot tomorrow. My friend, Amanda, wants to be a model. It's her first time with this photographer. I said I cared about her safety and wanted to be there. We aren't exactly besties but I don't want to see anything happen to her. It should be interesting. I love photography but I'm no way near a professional. I'd like to see how it's done.

I should probably go to bed now since I gotta get up early for this photo shoot. Goodnight bloggers!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

not bad

My work situation is starting to smooth out. Things are getting a little better. I think I'm interacting a bit more effectively. My confidence is finally coming out. There are some things that I definitely understand. My direction giving ability has never been good but I'm progressing.

LoL, could I be more vague? I think my cold has messed up my head. I will try to be more specific.

I thought some drama would go down tonight. Last night, the wash-bay guys were mad at William and hid a pair of car keys so his cars would get towed. What they didn't realize was that I could get into trouble for that shit and possibly lose my job. They hid one of the pair over at Avis. Kinda makes me liable. Also it would cost Avis a lot of money to retrieve them. In a sense, I kinda snitched on them. I called Amanda for advice and she called our manager about it.

So when I came into work today, I was all prepared for hostility from the wash-bay guys. Nothing. Nada. Surpised the hell outta me. I did what I had to do to keep my job. Oh well, at least everything worked out in the end.

I had to do a mini-lease earlier and I had never done one b4. I was really anxious about it. The thing is the anxiety is all in my head. I ended up blowing it out of proportion. It wasn't easy but it wasn't hard either.

I wish I could write about something else other than work. Fred and I barely see each other between work. We both have colds at the moment so we're a little irritable. My pug, Ichigo, is bratty as ever. That's all there really is. My life is officially boring.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


Is it possible to be more than irate? This Saturday, like last Saturday, is a fucking nightmare. How is this possible? I'm about ready to scream. I really need to vent. I don't know why Mike has me here working Avis & Budget all by myself, with nothing as a point of reference. I have to call Mike on his cell if there is a serious enough problem. It is ridiculous.

I mean, I'm getting better with handling customers. I should see this as an opportunity to be my best at the absolute worst. Honestly, I feel like it's a test of my abilities as an employee. I don't know if I should say something to Mike. I wanna believe I can handle this. I also wanna stay in Mike's good graces.

The critical moment was getting this customer his one-way car. I call the wash-bay guys not once, not twice, but three times. I ended up having to give him a car that was semi-questionable but at least, it was a northbound one-way car. I hate being put in these impossible positions. I start to panic and feel like I am about to cry. I've said it before: I don't cry at work. I do feel like maybe I could have dealt with the situation better. The old man's wife exclaimed, "We could have walked to Lynchburg by now". Ironically, she was in a wheelchair. The old man was crotchety but sympathetic to my situation.

I had a call from a lady whose husband rented from us. Somehow he got the rental car impounded in the great state of NY. I had absolutely nothing to go on. She had called both Avis and Budget in hopes of speaking to someone in charge. I HAD to call Mike. I told him about the lady and begrudgingly, he took her name/number and handled the situation on his own. Thank God!

Again, I am emotionally exhausted. I'm sooo ready to go home, have a stiff drink, and forget this day ever happened.

Friday, November 6, 2009

good news

Despite my struggles with my new job, I am #1 in commission sales at Avis which is astounding to me. I didn't think I was doing that well. I think I am gonna go home and celebrate with a drink. I might have to leave Fred a note about it since we never see each other anymore. We have diametrically opposed schedules. It sux but surprisingly, we get along with each other better when we don't see each other much.

I was just talking to a guy outside as I was smoking my cigarette. He was pretty cool. We were both talking about work and life. Just like me he's struggled with depression. The drugs made us both feel numb and fake. I told him I used to smoke pot. He used to too. We were agreeing that smoking pot is no different than being prescribed a pill. You take it in hope that makes you feel better. Pot does. You see the world differently for a moment. Food tastes that much better and in the end, you sleep like a log. Sure, it might not be as long lasting as a pill but taken intermittently and moderately, it can help a little bit over the course of time. Plus, no nasty side effects. I honestly hope pot is legalized. Sure it'd cost more but it be accessible. Also, I wouldn't suffer paranoia b/c of it illegality; it was the one thing that always killed my high.

OMG, my friend, Amanda, just texted me saying her man just proposed to her! That is so sweet. It's her b-day. Her, her man, and a bunch of friends are gonna have her party at Buffalo Wild Wing's.

I just got off the phone with her. Her man attached the box with the ring to their puppy and told it to run to door when Amanda got in the house. Now, THAT is romantic. What he said next wasn't. "I'm gonna go play x-box while you beautify in the bathroom." Such a man thing to say.

Anyhow, it's a slow night. I'm gonna start closing up. I want to get out of work on time. Nite!

Monday, November 2, 2009

the lost one

I used to have a best friend. It started in grade school. 1st grade to be exact. We were thick as thieves. We had each other backs. There was drama, of course, and rumors. We prevailed. I remember I was at her apartment when I first learned of Princess Di's death. We fought over the boy we both had a crush on. She moved to Cali in 7th grade. She broke my heart first. I know it wasn't her choice. Her mom wanted to get her out of MD, out of the ghetto. We stayed in touch for the most part. At age 14, we'd write missives about our favorite Buffy character and poems about depths we'd forever feel. Then we lost touch. She married, had a kid, and eventually, divorced. I met my fiance and moved to VA. For the longest time, I didn't have internet. I wish I could have kept the friendship going. We reconnected and now talk sporadically. It's just not the same.

Just recently, she was talking of moving back to MD. I wish she would. She'd be that much closer. It would give me more of a reason to go up there. I'd visit my parents plus her and her daughter, Gabby.

She was my anchor. She kept it real. I'll never find anybody quite like her.

I read a Judy Bloom book awhile back, "Summer Sisters". It always reminded me of her. My parents would take me and Devon to Cape May, NJ during the summer months. It was amazing. We had a freedom that we didn't have back in MD. We could bicycle our way down to the beach and play in the surf til dusk came. We'd walk to the Piggly Wiggly nearby and get junk food. We'd entertain my parents and grandparents with dance routines we learned from Danielle's studio.

I may have also been in love with her. My first bisexual experience. We were young but we went all the way. My grandma's knock on the door interrupted us.

I didn't truly realize my bisexuality until Fred took me to my first strip club. Then bisexuality went mainstream with Tila Tequila's A Shot at Love. It's never been easy though. I still don't know how I can be mesmerized by the female body yet hate women. They gossip, create drama, and try to poison the relationship you have with man you want to marry. The "best friend" I had through high school and beyond tried to break me and my fiance up by making false claims of sleeping with him on a night that we'd all gotten drunk together. How do I reconcile this?

I haven't been able to make real friends here in VA. All I can think of is betrayal.

Anyhow, it's first light and I should really go to bed. Goodnite for me. Good morning to everyone else.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

shitty halloween

I've been at work since 1 o'clock. It has been a myriad of assholes since I arrived. I've had one guy pissed because his bill wasn't exactly the same as what he printed from online. I got another guy about to curse me out because his credit card wouldn't go through but he had a deposit slip from his bank so that should have made everything all right. My most recent customer came in looking for an exchange on a car that was from Florida which I REALLY didn't have. I ended up giving him one of our one-ways. I don't know if I am gonna get in trouble. I also got kind of rude with one of our customer service representatives. The problem is I don't know the protocol. I had one Avis customer, one Budget customer, and a rude csr on the phone. People were getting impatient. I'm only one person.

Please, let the rest of this night go by smoothly. Seriously, I am ready to tear my fucking hair out. I'm on the verge of leaving and not coming back which would be a shame because this is a sweet job when it's not driving me nuts. I've never had this much difficulty with a job. I'm not one to run away though.

I am going to let it go. I am going to be happy. I was when I first came in to work. Forget those people. I just hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. I work with another girl most days, Amanda; she's been rude to people on numerous occasions and still has her job. Please let it all work out. Most of the time I am an alarmist. Things are never are as awful as I think they are.

Today has left me feeling emotionally exhausted. I can't wait to go home and have a stiff drink. Everything will be better tomorrow. One can only hope.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


I've started binging again. I don't like not being able to keep it together. What the fuck are the point of weaknesses? The cracks in the facade. Do they really help anybody? I'm a bit irritable at the prospect of three days with no booze OR cigarettes. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Not a week ago I was doing my cleanse and starting to feel better. I'd been off booze for almost 3 weeks and just had to quit smoking at the same time. Why did I think that was a great idea?

I had a shit day today. Just when you think you are starting to get a handle on your new job. Bam! The training provided was shitty. I didn't get taught about mini-leases. "Sorry, sir, I'm new here but I'm trying my best". It's never enough. Expectations are gonna make me go crazy. I'm not the kind of girl that cries at work. I've been tempted many times though. It's hard figuring out the protocol when things are thrown at you. Please tell me why grown ass people complained about walking out into the rain to retrieve their rental car?

Just as soon as I get home at about a quarter afer midnight, the cat(which I hate w/ a fiery passion) is meowing at the door waiting to be fed. I open the door and Ichigo hops back and forth eager to do his business. I rush to feed the cat which is now squaring off with Ichigo, her hackles raised. I quickly clip Ichigo's leash on and steer him outside. He takes FOREVER to do his business b/c it's raining. He pulls me back to the house, races up to our bedroom, and tracks mud all over the side of my bed. Guess what? I'm stuck sleeping in it because wonder of wonders, my fiance is asleep.

At least, I got to finish watching The Ugly Truth. It wasn't bad. It was actually pretty witty. The truth in it was that there are a lot of neurotic women and I'm one of them. I'm proud to admit it. Hell, it's probably the quirks that keep me and Fred together. Don't get me wrong. Fred has them too. The point is we make fun each other's quirks and laugh about it. It brings us closer as a couple.

I think I will end this on a high note. Let the rain bring me some much need blissful sleep.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Letter for the catalyst

Dear Ben,

I still remember those days. We wrote constantly and feverently. I thought you could have been the One. I was young and you understood much about the world that I couldn't yet fathom. I thought so much of you until that day that you broke my heart. How the superficial could matter so much to you yet we had shared parts of our souls with each other. I gave you my trust and since then I haven't been able to share myself completely with anyone else. I know I share fault in this but it was left unresolved. It ended abruptly and I regret it. I should have seen you for what you were. You'll never have a hold on me again. I'm taking my trust back and reclaiming myself.

Never yours truly,

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Not long ago, I had the loudest and rudest customer. Technically he wasn't a customer, at least not from Avis. He actually had a reservation at Alamo. He was pissed about not getting the car he reserved and threatened to involve the police. At that moment, I was a lil bit scared. I was thinking "Should I call Mike first or Airport security?". Luckily, one of the washbay/service guys had just came around to my kiosk. The team lead, Ben, stood beside me the entire time since I was scared. I need to get him a card or something. That was the sweetest gesture. He should been off the clock and at home. Ben didn't have to do that.

Well, then the guy realizes the name I have is not his name. He finally looks down at his printout and see that his reservation is not with us. So then he is apologizing profusely but only after being completely disrespectful to everyone including my manager, Mike. I wasn't having any of it. The guy was seriously psycho. Poor Joe, the rental agent at Alamo, said to me he was bout to seriously hurt the man if he did not remove himself from the premises. I say that the man's name should be put in some databank. This is a small airport so enforcing that sort of thing wouldn't be hard. I should have just called security. By doing that, he would have been told not to come back.

Anyhow, I was a big to-do. I'm just thankful that I'm off tomorrow. I can chill out, do some laundry, and watch some movies. Today was emotionally draining. Usually, I'm not that sensitive but it had started out as a shitty day. I had seen that my neighbor's dog had gotten run over and nobody has done anything about the body. It was just lying on the pavemnt with blood tricking down just waiting to get run over again. It upset me to say the least. What if that had been Ichigo? It's been haunting me all day.

I'm done ranting.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

battle lost

I'm glad I didn't build my blog around my sobriety. Sobriety lasted all of about 3 days. It's funny because in all other aspects of my life I am dependable and stubborn. For some reason, I can't stick to a quit. I know this sounds ludicrous but if the world doesn't end on December 21, 2012, I will revisit the issue. I put alot in stock towards the Mayan caledar. I guess me and my fiance would be considered alarmists and conspiracy theorists. I honestly don't think it is that farfetched. There is a movie coming out about it too. It will become more widespread.

I honestly think smoking and drinking are components of me. It's somewhat a part of my identity. I'm a hard working, hard partying irish girl. I think I can live with that.

It's a slow day at the airport. I'm happy it's a beautiful day and I can appreciate it with all the windows here. Life doesn't get much better than this. A job I don't mind, a cute pug at home, and a wonderful fiance that loves me. Not to mention, a loving, supportive family far, but not too far away. I guess the only thing I really need to work on is making some friends. I probably just need to get out more and socialize somewhere other than twitter.

Monday, October 19, 2009

losing it

Fred, my fiance, is being a brat about my smoking cessation. Of course, it came to that Day 3 Ultimatum. "I don't want to be around a smoker. I'm on a cleanse. It would be redundant for me to stick around". It is MY perogative. Yes, for the time being, it makes him a leper. When is he gonna wake up and realize smoking is such a waste?!?! A waste of time, money, and perfectly good lungs.

I know it makes me come off a bit snooty. Alright I'm a snob. But that is the mindset I need right now to keep me going. This is important to me. Believe me, I would love a martini and a pack of Marlboro Menthol Smooth 100's. I can't keep killing myself to keep myself sane or to make Fred happy.

I don't know what to do. I don't have much support. I've tried joining a website that has message boards with motivations to stay quit. Perfect strangers helping me probably isn't the best option.

Although I could use a little pep talk right now.

Still searching

I'm still deciding on what topic to mold my blog around. I don't want to make this blog strictly about my sobriety. It was a thought. It would get boring after awhile.

I should probably mention I just recently tackled my alcohol abuse. This week I've quit smoking. I think it will be doable. There will never be a perfect time. Might as well work on them both. I'm developing new coping skills.

Meanwhile, this whole body cleanse thing is working albeit probably a little to well.

This is my first full day without a cigarette. I can do this. I can overcome temptation. I was looking for motivational quotes earlier. I need conditioning if I am going to make it. One day at a time. In both endeavors.

Unfortunately, exhaustion is taking over. Nite!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Brand New

So I'm quitting smoking and my quit date was set for tomorrow. I ran out of cigarettes earlier today. I've started my GNC Whole Body Cleanse. My body has been out of whack for a long time. I'd like to feel normal for once. I don't think for one second that I ever had some kind of homeostasis. Hopefully, I can find one. Hell, I better find one- it cost me enough.

I've been looking for online support mostly. I have exactly one friend supporting me. I'm sure my family is behind me 100 %; I just don't talk to them that much. It's a shame but I work nights mostly and that is the only appropriate time to call them.

I'm doing alright cravings-wise. I'm drinking a lot of water. Monday I gotta buy some groceries. I hope to get some healthy food so my cleanse isn't in vain. I don't really understand the importance of the food being organic though. Organic is expensive and frankly, I don't have that luxury. The body cleanse was my splurge. It was a toss up between some mid-level vodka and the body cleanse. For once, I actually chose the healthy option. Scary-I am actually thinking like an adult and considering a future past 2012.

Sorry, I still say the world will end in December 21, 2012 or possibly, it will be a new start. The state of affairs will get worse before they get better. Either way, I wanna be prepared. And I'm open to people's interpretations. Drop me a line.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

at work

People are busy always going somewhere. I wish I lived in some other country like Spain. People there have a different pace. Lunch can take as long as you like. The promise of a siesta in the late afternoon. The spanish sunset twists and glimmers in the fading light. An empty hammock sways thoughtfully in the breeze and frames a faint shoreline.

I've always wished for just one lazy day. Even my off days are filled with a bevy of chores to be done. I guess I choose to blog so that I could make a single moment last. I envision my words suspended somewhere deep in cyberspace.

It is time I really worked on myself. Maybe this time spent blogging could actually be therapuetic. I've always loved writing. The time is nigh to put it to good use.

I used to write poems as a teenager. I had my heart broken by my first boyfriend. I had met him on the internet. I look back wondering if it really happened or whether it was all in my head. My angst was imagined. I didn't understand back then that life is fleeting. Circumastances change. There is life after high school.

My short stories were amazing according to my English teacher at the time. She really pushed me to do great. I wrote an ironic short story called Spork and Foon. I recreated the tale of Sleeping Beauty only more gothic and mysterious.

I miss being able to write with a consuming passion; the words just spilling out of me in rapid succession. Even right now, it is a little stilted. I'm struggling to find the right words.

funny enough

I'm trying to figure out an angle that will give me an edge. Something that sets me apart from all the other bloggers. I've read Diary of a Sex Addict based on a blog which I've also read. I've read that blog from which stemmed the book and movie "Julie & Julia". Unfortunately, I've read hardly any other blogs. What will make me unique? If there is such a thing? It almost seems like a hopeless feat.

I like to think that my interest in unknown & bootleg anime plus my love of underground hip-hop sets me apart. I have feral obsessions of all things Ryan Leslie, True Blood, and as of recently, Lost. Most of my hobbies involve getting lost in a storyline rich with complex characters. Admittedly, I read voraciously. I've read and re-read many books. My current job doesn't sustain my interests very well. I've only just recently spread myself thin getting a new laptop that picks up one of my neighbor's wifi. Luckily, the internet brings much to my fingertips.

I should probably say a little about me other than my interests. I don't really want to though. At least, not now. I'm still figuring out the direction of this blog. It's completely new to me. I do know I don't aspire to be famous. I just want a little piece of me out there in the world floating between the synapses of peoples' computers.