backwards

I cut myself tonight. I mutilated my ankle. The one place my fiance doesn't see. What is wrong with me? I thought I was through with that phase of my life. I started when I was 14. The angst was bullshit or so I thought. I don't know what to do anymore. I finally have a good job. My relationship has kinda gone south. We don't see each other anymore. I'm frustrated. I'm also a control freak. It's understandable but it's not acceptable.

The trigger I guess was my dog. I took him outside and he refused to do his business. I was freezing my ass of and getting impatient. I started to push him up the hill so he'd get the hint. Apparently, subtlety is lost on dogs. He just would not go so I dragged him back inside and wagged my finger at him, showing him my disapproval. My fiance is gonna have to take him out before he leaves for work. Ichigo has just become soo stubborn. He's 2 years old so I guess he's going through his teenage years. Still, it bothered me.

I gotta go to this photo shoot tomorrow. My friend, Amanda, wants to be a model. It's her first time with this photographer. I said I cared about her safety and wanted to be there. We aren't exactly besties but I don't want to see anything happen to her. It should be interesting. I love photography but I'm no way near a professional. I'd like to see how it's done.

I should probably go to bed now since I gotta get up early for this photo shoot. Goodnight bloggers!

not bad

My work situation is starting to smooth out. Things are getting a little better. I think I'm interacting a bit more effectively. My confidence is finally coming out. There are some things that I definitely understand. My direction giving ability has never been good but I'm progressing.

LoL, could I be more vague? I think my cold has messed up my head. I will try to be more specific.

I thought some drama would go down tonight. Last night, the wash-bay guys were mad at William and hid a pair of car keys so his cars would get towed. What they didn't realize was that I could get into trouble for that shit and possibly lose my job. They hid one of the pair over at Avis. Kinda makes me liable. Also it would cost Avis a lot of money to retrieve them. In a sense, I kinda snitched on them. I called Amanda for advice and she called our manager about it.

So when I came into work today, I was all prepared for hostility from the wash-bay guys. Nothing. Nada. Surpised the hell outta me. I did what I had to do to keep my job. Oh well, at least everything worked out in the end.

I had to do a mini-lease earlier and I had never done one b4. I was really anxious about it. The thing is the anxiety is all in my head. I ended up blowing it out of proportion. It wasn't easy but it wasn't hard either.

I wish I could write about something else other than work. Fred and I barely see each other between work. We both have colds at the moment so we're a little irritable. My pug, Ichigo, is bratty as ever. That's all there really is. My life is officially boring.

Irate

Is it possible to be more than irate? This Saturday, like last Saturday, is a fucking nightmare. How is this possible? I'm about ready to scream. I really need to vent. I don't know why Mike has me here working Avis & Budget all by myself, with nothing as a point of reference. I have to call Mike on his cell if there is a serious enough problem. It is ridiculous.

I mean, I'm getting better with handling customers. I should see this as an opportunity to be my best at the absolute worst. Honestly, I feel like it's a test of my abilities as an employee. I don't know if I should say something to Mike. I wanna believe I can handle this. I also wanna stay in Mike's good graces.

The critical moment was getting this customer his one-way car. I call the wash-bay guys not once, not twice, but three times. I ended up having to give him a car that was semi-questionable but at least, it was a northbound one-way car. I hate being put in these impossible positions. I start to panic and feel like I am about to cry. I've said it before: I don't cry at work. I do feel like maybe I could have dealt with the situation better. The old man's wife exclaimed, "We could have walked to Lynchburg by now". Ironically, she was in a wheelchair. The old man was crotchety but sympathetic to my situation.

I had a call from a lady whose husband rented from us. Somehow he got the rental car impounded in the great state of NY. I had absolutely nothing to go on. She had called both Avis and Budget in hopes of speaking to someone in charge. I HAD to call Mike. I told him about the lady and begrudgingly, he took her name/number and handled the situation on his own. Thank God!

Again, I am emotionally exhausted. I'm sooo ready to go home, have a stiff drink, and forget this day ever happened.

good news

Despite my struggles with my new job, I am #1 in commission sales at Avis which is astounding to me. I didn't think I was doing that well. I think I am gonna go home and celebrate with a drink. I might have to leave Fred a note about it since we never see each other anymore. We have diametrically opposed schedules. It sux but surprisingly, we get along with each other better when we don't see each other much.

I was just talking to a guy outside as I was smoking my cigarette. He was pretty cool. We were both talking about work and life. Just like me he's struggled with depression. The drugs made us both feel numb and fake. I told him I used to smoke pot. He used to too. We were agreeing that smoking pot is no different than being prescribed a pill. You take it in hope that makes you feel better. Pot does. You see the world differently for a moment. Food tastes that much better and in the end, you sleep like a log. Sure, it might not be as long lasting as a pill but taken intermittently and moderately, it can help a little bit over the course of time. Plus, no nasty side effects. I honestly hope pot is legalized. Sure it'd cost more but it be accessible. Also, I wouldn't suffer paranoia b/c of it illegality; it was the one thing that always killed my high.

OMG, my friend, Amanda, just texted me saying her man just proposed to her! That is so sweet. It's her b-day. Her, her man, and a bunch of friends are gonna have her party at Buffalo Wild Wing's.

I just got off the phone with her. Her man attached the box with the ring to their puppy and told it to run to door when Amanda got in the house. Now, THAT is romantic. What he said next wasn't. "I'm gonna go play x-box while you beautify in the bathroom." Such a man thing to say.

Anyhow, it's a slow night. I'm gonna start closing up. I want to get out of work on time. Nite!

the lost one

I used to have a best friend. It started in grade school. 1st grade to be exact. We were thick as thieves. We had each other backs. There was drama, of course, and rumors. We prevailed. I remember I was at her apartment when I first learned of Princess Di's death. We fought over the boy we both had a crush on. She moved to Cali in 7th grade. She broke my heart first. I know it wasn't her choice. Her mom wanted to get her out of MD, out of the ghetto. We stayed in touch for the most part. At age 14, we'd write missives about our favorite Buffy character and poems about depths we'd forever feel. Then we lost touch. She married, had a kid, and eventually, divorced. I met my fiance and moved to VA. For the longest time, I didn't have internet. I wish I could have kept the friendship going. We reconnected and now talk sporadically. It's just not the same.

Just recently, she was talking of moving back to MD. I wish she would. She'd be that much closer. It would give me more of a reason to go up there. I'd visit my parents plus her and her daughter, Gabby.

She was my anchor. She kept it real. I'll never find anybody quite like her.

I read a Judy Bloom book awhile back, "Summer Sisters". It always reminded me of her. My parents would take me and Devon to Cape May, NJ during the summer months. It was amazing. We had a freedom that we didn't have back in MD. We could bicycle our way down to the beach and play in the surf til dusk came. We'd walk to the Piggly Wiggly nearby and get junk food. We'd entertain my parents and grandparents with dance routines we learned from Danielle's studio.

I may have also been in love with her. My first bisexual experience. We were young but we went all the way. My grandma's knock on the door interrupted us.

I didn't truly realize my bisexuality until Fred took me to my first strip club. Then bisexuality went mainstream with Tila Tequila's A Shot at Love. It's never been easy though. I still don't know how I can be mesmerized by the female body yet hate women. They gossip, create drama, and try to poison the relationship you have with man you want to marry. The "best friend" I had through high school and beyond tried to break me and my fiance up by making false claims of sleeping with him on a night that we'd all gotten drunk together. How do I reconcile this?

I haven't been able to make real friends here in VA. All I can think of is betrayal.

Anyhow, it's first light and I should really go to bed. Goodnite for me. Good morning to everyone else.