Monday, November 2, 2009

the lost one

I used to have a best friend. It started in grade school. 1st grade to be exact. We were thick as thieves. We had each other backs. There was drama, of course, and rumors. We prevailed. I remember I was at her apartment when I first learned of Princess Di's death. We fought over the boy we both had a crush on. She moved to Cali in 7th grade. She broke my heart first. I know it wasn't her choice. Her mom wanted to get her out of MD, out of the ghetto. We stayed in touch for the most part. At age 14, we'd write missives about our favorite Buffy character and poems about depths we'd forever feel. Then we lost touch. She married, had a kid, and eventually, divorced. I met my fiance and moved to VA. For the longest time, I didn't have internet. I wish I could have kept the friendship going. We reconnected and now talk sporadically. It's just not the same.

Just recently, she was talking of moving back to MD. I wish she would. She'd be that much closer. It would give me more of a reason to go up there. I'd visit my parents plus her and her daughter, Gabby.

She was my anchor. She kept it real. I'll never find anybody quite like her.

I read a Judy Bloom book awhile back, "Summer Sisters". It always reminded me of her. My parents would take me and Devon to Cape May, NJ during the summer months. It was amazing. We had a freedom that we didn't have back in MD. We could bicycle our way down to the beach and play in the surf til dusk came. We'd walk to the Piggly Wiggly nearby and get junk food. We'd entertain my parents and grandparents with dance routines we learned from Danielle's studio.

I may have also been in love with her. My first bisexual experience. We were young but we went all the way. My grandma's knock on the door interrupted us.

I didn't truly realize my bisexuality until Fred took me to my first strip club. Then bisexuality went mainstream with Tila Tequila's A Shot at Love. It's never been easy though. I still don't know how I can be mesmerized by the female body yet hate women. They gossip, create drama, and try to poison the relationship you have with man you want to marry. The "best friend" I had through high school and beyond tried to break me and my fiance up by making false claims of sleeping with him on a night that we'd all gotten drunk together. How do I reconcile this?

I haven't been able to make real friends here in VA. All I can think of is betrayal.

Anyhow, it's first light and I should really go to bed. Goodnite for me. Good morning to everyone else.

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